Top things your Iranian parents say to you:
1)" Deedee goftam!!!" the inevitable "I told you so" syndrome which comes after an unfortunate incident which your mum or dad "saw coming" alongside the other 99 scenarios which they predicted, which did not occur. Even so, the 1% success rate in predicting the future is enough.
2) "Enghadr zang nazan" yep, how many times were we told to get off the phone so our mums could gossip with their Rooni friends on the latest and most efficient hair removing products.
3) "Ghazah khordee? Khordee? Eybee nadaareh, bazham bokhor", you come home after having a meal somewhere else, but they just can't resist stuffing that qormeh sabzi with mast o kheeyaar down our throats.
4) "Zamooneh maa................" yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, how many times have you told us that school in those days was tough, that we don't have the privalege to be beaten with a cane (they still don't know that teachers and lectures have replaced this with psychological torture).
5) "Pesareh Aghah Jafari ra bebeen cheghadr be harf hayeh pedar o maadrish goosh meedeh" don't we just love the mamanie, hunched, soosool, koonam beshoor, 100% S.A.T. scoring, khayeh maal, sweaty palm syndrome within 2 metres of Rooni girls, sabzee eating, granny jumper wearing guy next door who let's his mum, grandmother, ameh, khaaleh choose his wife?
6)"Booyeh seegar meedee, vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay farda ageh tooyeh khyaaboonha nadeemait mesleh een mofangeeha oftaadi, aaaaaaaah, eenam khat!" this occurs after our mothers subtley sniff our clothes after partying or clubbing, I mean come on, smelling of ciggaretes does mean we're doing heroin right?
7) "Pedar sookhteh, reedam rooyeh ghabreh maadareh Andy, AHANGO KHAaMOOSH KON!", sound familiar? Works best if your dad has a surgically modified frown, Stalin moustache and a voice like Ezrael.
8)"Fereshteh khaanoom baa dokhtarish emrooz meeyan khoonamoon, karee ke nadaaree?", hmm.............yes we've seen her photo, we know what a good, little "innocent" girl she is, oh she's a dentist graduate from Stanford/Cambridge..blah,blah,blah.
9)"Damanit kootas", Rooni girls, unfortunately your s***ts are 1.5674 cm too short. According to your baba's psychological theories, the Iranian guys' sexual hunger is directly proportional to the leg surface area exposed, no and that's not an old mobile phone in our pockets.
10)"Hey meeree beeroon, dars o zendegee...aslaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, raft, deegeh tamoom shodee, khodahafez be oon shagedr aval, salam be shaaghder tambal", this attack occurs when we take a break from our 7 hour studies.
11)Aslan shoma ghadre ma ra nemeedoonee, maa seneh shoma boodeem mageh meeshod be aghamoon begeem "na"................AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
12)"Farsi harf bezan! Nanat engeleeseeyeh? Babaat Americayeeh?"....errr what was that?
13) "Az een refeeghit khosham neemeeyad, mashkookeh" yeah, he's a member of the CIA, MI5, Savak, Mossad, oh and didn't you know, he was the organiser of the Iranian revolution.
*You arrange a date after 3 months of chasing her and after 11 cancellations, like "Akh, bebaksheed, yaadam raft", or "Vay, age bedoony oon rooz chee shod" or "Pedaram mareez shodeh bood".
*She arrives 47 minutes late and then complains that she was already here on time but she went for a walk to kill time and then she met this "long-lost friend" and they began talking and she forgot the time.
*You suggest the cinema but she suggests you go and eat something first.
*Of course you have to pay and it can't be Isfahan restaurant because everybody's Iranian there and you know about the WPKZN (Western Persian Khaaleh Zanak Network) where news travels faster than it actually happening and due to KZGL (Khaaleh Zanak's Gossip Law) it get exaggerated by 15 times. So An innocent date betwen two Persians would be turned into the Persian guy raping the girl and making her pregnant and then a forced arrange marriage so there is no "Aabroo Reezee"
*Of course she can go to the toilet for half an hour.
*Of course you can take a taxi to a DIFFERENT cinema.
*Yep, she's the boss, she chooses the film.
*Afraid so, she wants popcorn, hotdogs, coke, diet-coke, nachos but only has a bite of everything because "Vay, regime daaram". So why do you order all this **** in the first place!!!!!
*Half way through the film there's a romantic scene and just about when you're going to make that subtle move she whispers, "Pedar sookhteh, don't even try it!".
*You come out of the cinema with her commenting on how handsome the male actors were.
*You suggest you take a walk in the park.
*While your walking the inevitable silence occurs which is "I like you, you like me, we like each other, so this is the bit where you hold my hand, hug me and then kiss me" but OH ****! She's Irooni so it means "You like me, I pretend that I don't like you, you try and hold my hand, I try to pretend that I don't like it, I resist, I resist more, I look at you and say nakon, you persist harder, while I jump into your arms and begin kissing and biting you passionately".
*Khaanoom Jamshidi and Khaanoom Evatpoor walk past, Deputies of the WPKZN, as their mobiles come at and begin ringing your parents "Vay, Nargess khaanoom, age bedoonee chee shodeh bood!".
*You saw them, she didn't phew. Opps, her mobile rings, oops its her mother, oops KZGL has taken effect.
*Your fault for walking down High Street Kensington/Beverly Hills.
*She insists on making it home by herself, but you insist you drive her with your new BMW.
*You drop her home 2 blocks from where she actually lives.
*Next week is the second date.
*She suggests Chinese food this time.
*After the meal you go and take a walk.
*Kissy kissy happens again
*Kissy kissy progresses to something more
*As kissy kissy approaches its dangerous stage, she stops (she need the curtain before marriage, oh come on you know what I mean"!)
*You've been going out for 3 months.
Here are some typical examples of our luuuuuuuuuuurrrrvely Irooni girls
1. Make up is put on three coats.
2. It takes them 3 hours to get ready, "akheh heech lebaas nadaaram, aabroom raft, hameyeh doostam masgharam meekonam" as she open her 4 wardrobes filled with the latest designs from Gucci, Bijan, Christian Dior and Chanel.
3. Half a bottle of perfume is sprayed.
4. We say:
*No honey I was NOT looking at that woman
*OK, OK, so I was, but how am I supposed to appreciate you
*I need another woman to compare your beautiful looks and lovely personality
*No, your butt doesn not look big
*You are the most beautiful woman in the world
*Your breasts are big enough for me
*Why do you always turn off the lights when we make love?
*Please moan in Persian when I'm making love to you "Vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, aakkhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ton tar boro!"
*Why do we have to invite your mother again?
*But I'm the man of the house, OK, OK, you win (after she threatens no more you know what)
*You want more money, sure, go and blow another G
*Nazanin, we already have enough pisteh/chaee/darcheen/zaferan/golab
*Anniversary?? Oh ****, I'm soooooooooooooo sorry, I promise I'll make it up to you again.
5. PST time, this applies to you going to mehmoonie and her still getting dressed, Persian Standard Time, meaning the time you're supposed to be there is the time you actually arrive to your destinaiton.
6. She always packs kabob for the kids school lunch.
7. She spends 2 hours in the shower until the water goes cold.
8. She insists on hiring a Filipino/Mexican maid and she fires them after 3 days because they haven't learnt how to make Fesenjoon.
9. She always complains that she's getting fat and needs to go on regime.
10. She asks you every year whether she was the "first". What are we supposed to say?
11. She gosips 7 hours on the phone with her Iranian friends.
12. She has all the video and tape collections of the Royal Family and female Iranian singers.
13. She sings Googoosh in the shower and you have to always say that she's got the most beautiful voice and if it wasn't for her father she would have become a singer.
14. She complains that you're a bad driver.
15. She always shouts from the shower that she wants to leefeh your back.
16. For God's sake you're my wife, I don't have to close my eyes when I enter the shower when you're their!!
17. She only compliments you when she wants something.
18. Arguments are 134 times worse when she's on a period.
19. Argumetns are even worse when she begins spekaing English: "Vhat doooo I vant?, I vant a deevooors, so the neighbours can hear.
20. She goes bakc to Persian when she kisses and makes up.
21. She invited the Johnson family for dinner without letting you know.
22. She opened the bottle of Shiraz from 1957 without letting you know.
23. She is THE best cook.
24. She quietly swears at you when you bring your friends over to watch the basketball at night while you drink aragh sagee with maast.
25. She always takes too much baggage to Iran.
AND of Course we can't forget the famous PTS (persian taroff system!)
* you are giving a gift to another irooni~ " vayyyy in che !"
"goftam chizi nagirin hamin ke inja hastin khodesh base!"
"ASLAN! in harfa chieh? Ghabele shomaro nadara valla"
~~~open the gift~~~
""" vayyyyyyyy che ghashange vaghan ba in kara maro khejalat dadin!"
and on and on and on~~~~LOL